Oh, The Feels.

You guys.  I *know* that if I’m playing by the self-imposed rules I’ve set up for this here blog, I should be waxing poetic about where I am on decorating Fox’s room, and how I intend to get the bathroom wallpapered by the end of February, or whatever.  I will do these things.  You’ll hear about it, I’m sure.  Don’t worry.

The Best Crullers You Can Freaking Imagine.

The Best Crullers You Can Freaking Imagine.

But the truth is, I’m in a really weird emotional state lately.  I’ve lost the two cats that I interacted with the most, so our home dynamics constantly seem off-kilter and a little strange….  there is a real absence of those little voices.  It’s hard to have something be a part of how you literally eat, breathe, and sleep, and then to have it gone.  It hurts.

My only grandparent passed away early this week, and part of me seems disconnected because of that.  She was a lovely woman, smart, hard-working, and clearly an excellent parent because her five offspring are some of the best humans I’ve ever known.  I feel like I should say that I’m sad about it, and I am– but more for my Dad and his siblings than for me….  As of right now, I don’t really feel her loss, yaknow?  It’s like it’s only happened in theory, I haven’t had to deal with it yet.  She lived many states away; I have seen her so rarely over the years;  my emotions can totally pretend that it didn’t happen.  I’m not saying it’s *smart* or the good way to go about things, I’m just saying, it’s possible.  I think I may be in my emotional equivalent of the fetal position.

And then there is the visit from my friend that happened today.  It should feel like a complete pendulum swing.  He’s a guy from my past, the kind of friend where years could pass and when reunited, the camaraderie seems as natural as day one.  The time with him today was fine– never awkward, always pleasant, upbeat and friendly.  Wonderful, really.  We had a nice lunch and he politely hung out with my husband and child for a while, but overall it reminded me of how much I *miss* him.  These recent losses shine a light on how I’m not really experiencing a lot of my loved ones the way I’d like to be.  Our lives are very… apart.  And and that adds to my sadness a little….  I feel like I have no right to miss him.  I don’t get any say on his life at all– and its sooo ridiculous to feel this way– but I hate that.  I hate that beings I love and care about get to drift away from me and my life, and I have no freaking control over it.

More than that though is that I hate that I can’t control how I feel….  It seems illogical.  I mean, I am the only person that’s in that head o’mine, *I* should be the one that gets to dictate how I have “the emotions.”  Stupid feelings.  I would just rather not have any of you today, thank you.

Which reminds me, pass the doughnuts….

Jan 24, 2014 | Category: Just A Thought | Comments: none | Tags: ,


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