What the Heart Wants

Sooooo.  In my last post ( www.lovenestdesign.com/i-am-amidst-an-affection-affliction/ ), I mentioned what a rare and unique combination sexual attraction and mental/ romantic interest is for me.  I was pondering that specific bit even more today, and it occurred to me that it’s so really really rare that it has only happened a handful of times in my life where I have been both physically and romantically interested in a man.

The Inglorious Basterd

The Inglorious Basterd

I realize that a lot of what I’m about to say is going to sound blase or indifferent, but I’d like to chalk it up at really looking at myself and my life and being really honest.  Since my separation and recent divorce, I’ve thought quite a bit about the few romantic relationships I’ve had through my lifetime, and tried to see them for the truth.  Often it’s ugly, but how else can I expect to learn?  I’m not trying to present this information as if I haven’t had big chunks of my life where I was in pain (or conversely, blissfully happy), or that it was no big deal, I’m… condensing.  Trying to accurately summarize something that is already hard to describe.

Anyway.  Back to having both of the attractions simultaneously.

It’s like the romantic connection (emotional attraction) and the sexual (physical attraction) one are two distinct drives, controlled by different parts of my person.  When they overlap, there is this sort of fleeting glimpse into what it must be like for the average Joe.  You know, those people that aren’t on the asexuality spectrum.  People that write romcoms where relationships look sweet and easy and stuff.  (They get this from personal experience, right?  “Right what you know?”)  Whatever normal is, or close to that.

For me, I have to know someone on a fairly friendly level to be able to have a judge on either version of those attractions.  More than just borrowing a pencil or making guy a drink in my bartending days; it would be the kind of thing where we’ve had a few encounters out in the world, and I am probably familiar enough with him to know his last name.  We would be… good acquaintances, at a minimum.  I mean, yeah, I can tell if a person is aesthetically appealing, I’m not broken.  “Who– Brad Pitt?  Why I have no idea!  We’d have to have a few conversations before I had a gauge on that.”  No.  I get that he’s handsome.  But I don’t ever look at a person and think of them in an *actionably sexual* way unless I already know that I’m physically attracted to them.  If Braddy P were fer realsies here in my home, single of any Angies, and a few chats in to my knowledge of who he is, I can’t say that I would actually be attracted to him, romantically or sexually.  I realize that is crazy, and it is also true.  I wouldn’t know it until those conversations, and then it could be one or the other, but unlikely both.

The cerebral me would like to think it gets control over the romantic choices my person makes, and I would wager that it does have some influence on the heart’s ultimate call.  Really, I’d assume that that my brain slips my heart notes in class.  They read: “Go for that Brad Pitt, he’s like, a mature adult, and a high earner and junk.  Plus he’s all about blended families.  You like that.”  My heart reads these notes, and often thinks, “Ooooh, I DO like that!” filing that little tidbit away into the reasons so-and-so-is-crushable file.   But sometimes that heart o’ mine, she ignores the brain entirely.  “Quit telling me he has a financial advisor!  I DON’T CARE!”  The things the brain finds sexy sometimes *bore* the heart.  You would think this would make her listen to other influences, but no.

And my brain and heart BOTH completely ignore the lady downstairs and her lewd wants.  “Hey, guys… do you *remember* what he looked like in Fight Club?  Do you?!” she says.  “He was really pretty hot with that Maynardville accent in Inglorious Basterds.”  They look at her with their disdainful high school sneers, and tell her to shut up.  Slut shamed every day around here, even though she really has a lot of say over a whole category of my likes and dislikes.  I mean, *guess* there are other factors involved in which men I find sexually attractive (hormones?  weather?  football scores?  Whotheheckknows.), but it’s all pretty mysterious.  Physical attraction is a weird magic all of its own.  I have no idea where it comes from, or what things a guy needs to do it for me.  I guess that is to say– the girls upstairs don’t talk to her, and she’s not going around explaining her opinions to them.  I don’t think she does a lot of research, it’s just aaallll instincts down there, really.  And her language is pretty salty, that one.  Easy to tune out, I guess.

So yes, it is true that I could be romantically attracted to someone and not sexually, and vice-versa.  For a long time I would have denied the possibility that my lady bits would want to get it on with some dude that my brain parts thought undesirable.  I pretty much always follow the brain parts on these calls of yay or nay, so it’s hard for me to admit that there were many attractions over the years to guys on just a physical level.  That happened.  I could give you a short list.  But the thing is, I was never able to… do… anything… with these guys, because my logic and reason would scream at me about *their* lack of attraction to said guy, until any lusty vibe was crushed.  The brain parts win again, yaaaaay!  So much prude, my brain parts.

Anyway, what my brain thinks should be attractive, my heart thinks is hot, and what I physically lust for, don’t always match…. or ever, and that’s awkward.  It is muuuuuch easier for me to be romantically interested in a man that I find fascinating and fun mentally, than someone that simply warms my nethers.  If I am to choose one or the other, my heart feels the sensible option is to continue ignoring Madame Ladybits and is prone to casting favor for the guy my brain chooses.  Which the brain convinces her is really fine and good, if a little bit boring.

But, girls, girls, girrrrllllssss!  Can’t we just choose someone that falls into both of these categories?  Can’t the heart have someone that both the brain and the bits like?

Well, yeah, that sounds optimal, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, it’s the rare human that comes along that does both for me– a man that can romantically interest me as well as sexually– the “c.  all of the above” option… well.  He’s like Bigfoot.  But not Bigfoot– sexy.  Maybe more like the Loch Ness monster of scintillating conversation.  A chupacabra that makes me laugh.  Something.  You follow, right?  A creature widely believed to exist, but not frequently seen in the wild.  A rare and magnificent sexy beast, for sure.

Now, where did I put those traps….?


Oct 16, 2015 | Category: Just A Thought | Comments: none | Tags: , , ,


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